Tomorrow is Valentine's Day and I'm not sure I like it.
Everyone knows relationships are not easy.
The beginning is lovely: hot, blurry, and fast, with not a whole lot to worry about.
Reality sets in relatively quickly, some moving into a comfortable and safe haven of support and familiarity. Some follow a different path.
Some fall out of synch--the passion they once felt passes and they realize they have nothing in common. Others need a change of pace, or haven't found the "one". Unfortunately there are those that cheat, and aren't up front enough to inform the partner the relationship is done. Whatever the case may be, breaking up is hard to do...most of the time.
Of course there are clear-cut situations where the relationship should end, but what about those cases where you are not quite sure what to do? Maybe you don't really talk that much anymore, maybe you have grown apart, maybe you are too comfortable in the situation and ending it just seems like too much of a big deal.
Many self-help books tell us that we deserve to find a relationship that will fulfill us and satisfy our every need. But the older I get the more I wonder if this exists. Is there really such thing as a relationship that keeps its spark? Where the partners are passionately in love--after 20, 30--50 years?
Match.com and eHarmony have become a popular way to meet a mate, or at least find someone to date. They ask us questions and allow us a window into the lives of potential new friends. Do you like sports? Reading? Pina coladas?
Although I DO think it is a good method to find someone with similar interests, and I know many people who found partners through these services, I'm not sure they really get to the heart of who we are. I have different interpretations of the answers to these questions that translate into scenarios that occur later in the relationship. For instance:
* I love sport turns into--I will not be available most weekends during football season (in other words, 27 weeks of you include probowl, preseason and the Superbowl--more than half a year). Then there is baseball season, from April through October--well--you get the picture.
* Loves children--seems to be a potentially scary way to covertly say clock is ticking--wants kids...maybe ASAP.
* Loves books--many long, quiet nights ahead--in the house.
* Free-spirited--this is a big one that could mean they don't have a job, or they don't shave (male or female), or they are disorganized. Don't look for a spotless house. (I speak from experience with this one...)
* Loves cats--well--I like them too, but not enough to announce it to the world. Potential cat person. You will only be fed AFTER Pooky, Dusty, String Bean, Kim Kat-dashian, DeeDee, Marshmallow, Daryl Dixon and Jelly Bean.
Any of these are fine if you know what you are getting yourself into--I just think sometimes the meanings are lost in translation. But back to relationships...
I see many relationships that sort of fade into a vanilla ice cream kind of happy--not bad--but could use some sprinkles or chips. Maybe that is all we can ask for--someone to be there, laugh with, and maybe even understand us a little. I personally do NOT think the Prince Charming scenario exists, but at this time in my life I even wonder if anyone truly stays in love.
I would love to hear what you have to say about this.
Happy Anti-Valentine's Day! <3
Yesterday I was thinking about the importance of our surroundings. Not just our furniture and home, but the people we allow into our lives. Family, friends, and spouses become our focus, and we get lost in the daily motion of the everyday.
We become friends with people for different reasons, and unlike those in our families, it is easier to allow these folks in, or to keep them out. When relationships don't work out we feel bad. If we stay in the relationships it can even be worse for us.
Many studies have shown that being in bad relationships not only makes us sad, but can make us sick. We think of our emotions as completely separate from our bodies; but we are starting to realize that our thoughts can and do influence how we live our lives. Each of our subtle thoughts send a series of hormones and energetic impulses through us; if they are bad we can become depressed in body and mind. Our systems slow down and we do not work properly. If this happens over and over, a negative event does not have to happen, we can THINK it will and we will have the same response.
Some people are said to be sensitive to electrical fields and feel poorly when subjected to them. In one study these sensitive individuals were connected to MRI monitors and given cell phones and asked if they felt anything when they held them to their ears. They reported feeling headaches, sharp pains, dizziness and blurred vision. The pain centers in their brains did indeed light up on the MRI showing they were experiencing pain. Interestingly, these were NOT cell phones, and there was no electrical field. The pain was real, and in the future these people may experience the same types of pain when exposed to cell phones again. (Deepak Chopra)
A similar thing happens with our emotions. If a relationship is negative, we are already expecting a bad experience and start to respond before a heated situation starts. Inversely, if we are in a happy situation, our bodies and mind are saturated with a different energy, we feel strong, confident, and able. When we are in love it feels as if we can survive on water and air, and sometimes we do.
If we concentrate on something that truly makes us feel good, our bodies start to produce dopamine which makes us talkative and excited, serotonin to make us happy, and several other "drugs" that alter our sense of well being. Low levels of serotonin are linked to heart disease, high blood pressure, and high cholesterol. Our nation spends billions of dollars on pharmaceuticals to relieve these symptoms of hopelessness and gloom.
Many self help books speak of affirmations or smiling even if we are feeling low. This may help certain individuals feel better, but it does not work for all. Negative thoughts can creep in, or our minds repeat our worries to us. Most of us can conjure a thought or image or idea that is heartwarming, peaceful, or brings us joy.
If we can hold this image long enough, our bodies respond as if we are experiencing the happy moment again. Like the sensitive people in the electricity experiment, we begin to experience changes in our bodies from thinking...but these are positive. We don't have to force a smile because we actually begin to feel better.
We are used to separating our bodies from our emotions. We go to the doctor to get treated for high blood pressure or headaches, and we expect to leave with a prescriptive quick fix. We are given different medications for our skin rash and our stomach aches, and another for our anxiety or depression. Most likely all of these symptoms are related, the result of a negative situation or circumstance.
Maybe our bodies are a storehouse for our spirit or soul. If we are feeling poorly, could it be from a disharmony in our lives? If have repetitive thoughts, is it our soul trying to tell us to fix this?
I realize what I have written is a simplification of a far deeper subject. I have just stumbled upon this idea personally, and for some reason it feels extremely important to me, and I will do my best each day to focus on something that brings me to a really good place mentally.
Suddenly I feel we DO have a soul, and we should start paying more attention to it.
<3
