A Loss of Fear

Growing up in a Russian orthodox household meant there was holy water in the cabinet, a prominent painting of the last supper in the dining room, and a somber picture of Jesus in my grandmother's bedroom that was supposed to be uplifting and calming, I'm sure, but never failed to freak me out.

I didn't realize it at the time, but it also meant that I was afraid of many things: the devil, ghosts, the dark, and almost anything you could think of that was considered "supernatural".

I also had a thing about eyes--if they weren't your basic blue or brown they also freaked me out. The thought of looking out the window at night to see a pair of glowing amber eyes was almost too much to bear, but that is another post: Click here for more about EYES

Needless to say everyone went to church on Sunday, but I protested too much after about the age of ten. My fussing got old and it wasn't worth it for the rest of the worshipers, and I got to stay home. I bounced back and forth from being a lukewarm believer, to an atheist.

Studying religions was my attempt at finding meaning, and I did learn quite a bit about Buddhism, Christianity, Taoism, and many more, but the only thing I truly gleaned from the endless studying was a bit of self-discovery.

I did not believe in the God of the bible.

Yet, like so many, the things we learn when we are young are difficult to unlearn. I realized I was still afraid to "sin", so I would occasionally attempt another shot at church or bible study. My husband is Catholic, and I always ended up in the Catholic church by default. Although the masses always left me cold, for me it was deeper. There was some kind of disconnect, and after reading the bible, really reading, not listening to what someone else said about it, I knew I not only disbelieved in the god of the bible--I did not like the premise.

I'm not going to get into the whole thing here, but when I finally let it go, when I really allowed myself to not be afraid a giant holy ghost was going to strike me dead and send me to hell for saying the lords name in vain too many times, I lost my fears.

I no longer had the feeling that a malignant force was ready to get me, I was no longer worried that the devil had me in his sights and had dark and dismal plans for my soul, and I no longer believed some bigger force in general was the ruler of my destiny. And most of all, I was no longer afraid of myself  for trying to worship a god who gave over his own son, for people he created, then destroyed, twice...but I digress.

A few nights ago I woke at 3 am. I checked the laundry downstairs and shut the lights off in the hall. I realized, ridiculously enough, that up until about a year ago this would have bothered me.

My long winded point is this--when we stop doing the things that make us afraid of ourselves, we stop being afraid of everything else, too.

xo

A Dark Visit

I watch Ghost Hunters and Paranormal State.

My son and his friends would watch A Haunting when they got home from school, and I got hooked into that one too. The entire time I watch there is a little voice in the back of my head that keeps me sane and un-scared. I shake my head with a smile on my face at 99% of the Electronic Voice Phenomena (EVP). (Please listen here to what is touted as "The Most Horrifying EVP Ever Recorded:   http://paranormal.about.com/od/ghostaudiovideo/a/aa101507.htm )  It seems I can never hear the words they claim they are hearing. "I will kill you," usually sounds more to me like "kkkkkkk--static--kkkk", but maybe something is lost in the translation. The investigators hear many things, they swear that someone touched them, and they get lots of pictures of orbs floating around.  My father is a photographer and has explained why orbs actually happen (bits of dust or particulate too close to the lens that reflect light from a flash), so I am a bit skeptic of their paranormal interpretation.

And yet...

There is an even quieter voice that tells me some of what I am seeing may be true. That reason I smile while I watch these shows is because on some level I believe some of it. I have contemplated calling the Long Island Medium just to see what she says and to give myself another reason to either believe or disbelieve.  Here she is:  http://tlc.howstuffworks.com/tv/long-island-medium 

Dozens of not-quite explainable things have happened to me throughout my life, the most remarkable being the exorcism of my best friend. This was not interesting, or cool, or amazing--it was terrible and frightening. It is still scary to think about almost 35 years later. You can read about it here:  http://penelopecrowe.blogspot.com/2012/01/do-you-believe-in-possession-true-story.html

I had an experience that I would not consider paranormal but terrifying none-the-less.

Lambert Castle is located on a scenic hill Paterson, NJ, overlooking the New York skyline, and currently operates as a museum accessible to the public. In the late 80s I visited Lambert Castle with a friend late one night on a personal ghost hunting mission. We had previously visited graveyards and a supposed haunted house, but we never had anything to report other than being chased out of a cemetery one night by the police. Our Lambert castle visit was to be a bit different.

I drove my car up the long driveway, and parked past the gaslight lanterns. A fox scurried out of our way as we exited the car. We looked around the back towards the woods, but it was so dark I could not see a foot in front of myself, and we decided to climb the stairs around the front. The walkway and steps up the front of the building took us past windows and showed us opulent rooms filled with furniture covered with white sheets. The stair path wound around the side of the structure and we stopped momentarily to look at the view. I saw motion out of the corner of my eye coming from the back of the castle and turned to look to see where my friend was going. But this was not my friend. This was a figure in a hooded black robe, something from your bad dreams, something from hell. This was not a ghost or apparition, this was a person dressed in a black cloak moving slowly toward us. I could not see his face. I quickly turned and saw my friend about halfway down the stairs already, and I began to run too.

The figure never followed us, and after we got in the car and locked the doors, my hands shaking so badly I had a hard time getting the key in the ignition, we looked up at the steps and did not see the hooded figure any more.

I tell this story often as one of the scariest things that has ever happened to me. We still wonder if we interrupted a coven, or a mass, or that was a way Lambert Castle prevented hooligans from hanging around at night. I really do not want to know. Well--I want to know a little bit.

Part of me wants to attend a TAPS session and experience a paranormal expedition for myself, but the other part tells me NO!--don't mess with it, because I seem to have an uncanny ability to attract trouble from the dark side. Or that voice just might be my sister--she yells at me about this all the time.

Next weeks blog will be a bit scarier, and much more paranormal. Opening bathroom door including...

Just in Time for Halloween

I made a new indie friend this weekend, Sandy Wolters.  After she helped me with several tech-related snafus, we talked about her new book, Justice for Emily, a steamy romance/suspense/thriller with a paranormal twist.

Here's a blurb about the book:

Rachael Merchant, a Phoenix Homicide Detective, is running from the images of her last case that are embedded
deep in her soul.  Before her journey is over, she will find herself embroiled in a twisted murder
investigation that involves the Chief of Police of Brownwood, Texas, as the main suspect.  Officer Patrick Sheehan will do whatever it takes to keep Rachael near him to get Justice For Emily.
Find Justice for Emily here: