A Loss of Fear

Growing up in a Russian orthodox household meant there was holy water in the cabinet, a prominent painting of the last supper in the dining room, and a somber picture of Jesus in my grandmother's bedroom that was supposed to be uplifting and calming, I'm sure, but never failed to freak me out.

I didn't realize it at the time, but it also meant that I was afraid of many things: the devil, ghosts, the dark, and almost anything you could think of that was considered "supernatural".

I also had a thing about eyes--if they weren't your basic blue or brown they also freaked me out. The thought of looking out the window at night to see a pair of glowing amber eyes was almost too much to bear, but that is another post: Click here for more about EYES

Needless to say everyone went to church on Sunday, but I protested too much after about the age of ten. My fussing got old and it wasn't worth it for the rest of the worshipers, and I got to stay home. I bounced back and forth from being a lukewarm believer, to an atheist.

Studying religions was my attempt at finding meaning, and I did learn quite a bit about Buddhism, Christianity, Taoism, and many more, but the only thing I truly gleaned from the endless studying was a bit of self-discovery.

I did not believe in the God of the bible.

Yet, like so many, the things we learn when we are young are difficult to unlearn. I realized I was still afraid to "sin", so I would occasionally attempt another shot at church or bible study. My husband is Catholic, and I always ended up in the Catholic church by default. Although the masses always left me cold, for me it was deeper. There was some kind of disconnect, and after reading the bible, really reading, not listening to what someone else said about it, I knew I not only disbelieved in the god of the bible--I did not like the premise.

I'm not going to get into the whole thing here, but when I finally let it go, when I really allowed myself to not be afraid a giant holy ghost was going to strike me dead and send me to hell for saying the lords name in vain too many times, I lost my fears.

I no longer had the feeling that a malignant force was ready to get me, I was no longer worried that the devil had me in his sights and had dark and dismal plans for my soul, and I no longer believed some bigger force in general was the ruler of my destiny. And most of all, I was no longer afraid of myself  for trying to worship a god who gave over his own son, for people he created, then destroyed, twice...but I digress.

A few nights ago I woke at 3 am. I checked the laundry downstairs and shut the lights off in the hall. I realized, ridiculously enough, that up until about a year ago this would have bothered me.

My long winded point is this--when we stop doing the things that make us afraid of ourselves, we stop being afraid of everything else, too.

xo

Ten Reasons I Think God Does Not Exist--and If He Does He's Kind of a Dick

There are many obvious reasons to make me believe there is no God. For instance, all the suffering in the world. And ANY incurable or painful disease that children get--that one right there is enough to make me feel IF there is an all-knowing, perfect being somewhere and he is allowing those things to happen--he's a jerk.

My claims are not the opposite in agreement with the theory of Russell's teapot, and there is nothing scientific here. And I agree with Richard Dawkins when he states science has no way of "establishing the existence or non-existence of a god, therefore the believer and disbeliever deserve equal respect."

But I have a list of ten things that are enough to tip me in one direction over the other--no science involved. Here they are:

1. The fact that everything that is even remotely good for you tastes incredibly bad. AND the better for you it is, the worse it tastes. Kale! Superfood! Super GROSS food.

2. The best way to get Vitamin D is from the sun! If we don't have enough of the sunshine vitamin terrible things happen--osteoporosis, depression, heart disease. But sitting in the sun is the best way to get skin cancer. Terrific.

3. If you are a woman you can pretty much bank on having at LEAST one bad week out of every month if you are between the ages of 13 and 50. Which leads to:

4. Pregnancy and childbirth--feeling sick for nine straight months, then going into labor--the worst pain you will probably ever feel in your life, then getting NO sleep for the next two years. The privileges of being a woman.

5. You finally reach the age where you get that week back every month, and you are too tired to care.

6. The most wonderful tasting and feeling things are addictive and terrible for us. Sugar, cigarettes, alcohol, coffee, soda, candy--sigh.

7. You can do everything right--eat the gross, healthy foods, exercise, meditate, get enough sleep--and end up with cancer or have a heart attack. 

8. Sex feels awesome--until you try to prevent pregnancy. Then it becomes inconvenient, less pleasurable, sticky and gooey, or interrupted. Another very pleasant thing with far too many strings attached.

9. We wait for months for the winter months to pass--then the minute spring arrives and the weather is beautiful allergy season begins.

10. Juuuust when we start to accept ourselves and enjoy life--we die.

So this is just scratching the surface--and yes it's a bit of a bitch-fest--but really--if you are up there guy--stop being such an asshole. 

I am not going to quote all the contradictions in the bible or preach about how God destroyed his own creations--twice--you can look that up if you like.

Just wanted to get this off my chest. :) 

An Open Mind

I am a member of a few conspiracy theory groups, some anti-religion pages, and numerous science pages on Facebook and elsewhere. 

Although many of the thoughts and insights are interesting, I find myself a skeptic of the skeptics. The idea that the sun is a hexagon-shaped mechanical heat source fueled by planes and other rocket-like craft may be a bit too much for me.

Chem trails? Could be. Agenda 21--all signs point to yes.

But I keep an open mind. 

Is the entire paradigm we have been taught false? Is religion a way to keep us living in fear and a way to create a non-questioning society? What about demons and devils, or even God? 

I asked myself if science was a light in the dark--the only measurable truth we have. But even science is a zoo of theories, many of which have been refuted and proven wrong time and time again. Yes--there are facts I, along with the rest of the world, believed to be true. But even our idea of a finite universe has been challenged, and our string theory and the idea of an expanding universe is becoming more mainstream.

We collect data and formulate theories as best we can with the information we have, but there are certain things that cannot be measured or compared. 

Personal, internal experiences at this point in time can be described and our blood pressure, temperature, and other responses can be kept track of, but the actual experience of the individual can only be described in words. It is their reality, and we have no way to tell if the situation has been repeated exactly, or interpreted differently by each individual.

So to make a long story short, we know some stuff--but there is plenty of other stuff we have no idea about yet. 

We seek answers and applaud those who find the answers that are apropos for the time--but we need to keep our minds opened forever, and never stop learning.

Facts do not need to be completely refuted to change--an element can be added or subtracted to a fact to completely change it, while maintaining its original idea.

Yes, there are atoms--but we know they are not the tiniest thing any more. The God particle? We'll find it and on it's coattails we will glimpse the Eternity Orb. 

Keep your mind open--you never know what will walk in.

I Have Issues with the Bible

My issues with the bible started when I was about 15 years old. I had a friend who was very ill, and many people told me that if I prayed, it would surely help. Indeed, there were prayers for the sick in the bible, and I diligently said them many times a day. Needless to say, my friend's condition worsened and she eventually passed away. 

The bible ended up in shreds, and I became an instant atheist. 

A few years after that I became acquainted with a born again Christian who suggested that I read the whole bible instead of being in a bad place about my friend's passing. 

So I did.

I have an open mind if I have anything, and I certainly liked the idea of giving God and the bible another shot. I had a funny, positive feeling about her suggestion. I felt I would read this book and have many revelations (no pun intended). 

And I did--but not the kind I thought I would have.

Instead of learning that God is a loving and kind being that the priest told me about when my mom could still get me to go to church on Sunday, I read that God is pretty vengeful and tricky.

For instance, he created man in his image, and gave him free will and the ability to choose. He also gave him original sin, although I do not understand why. So then he didn't like what his creations were doing--and destroyed them all! What? God destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah because he did not like what the people in the city had become? The bible said its inhabitants were "depraved". So instead of helping and fixing things (he was right there waiting!) he "rained down sulfur from the heavens." And he had already done this once before with Noah--not with sulfur, but with a terrible and all encompassing flood. Hmmm....

Sounds like a bad father to me...

Deuteronomy has plenty of He-Man Woman Haters Club quotes that not only make me angry, but make me feel I want nothing to do with the Christian religion. (I AM Christian, Russian Orthodox to be exact, but do not practice).

For example:

Deuteronomy 22:13-21 states that if a woman is not a virgin on her wedding night she must be executed. (No mention of men here...)

Deuteronomy 22:28-29 tells us that a virgin who is raped must marry her rapist.

Deuteronomy 25:11-12 warns that if a woman stands up for her husband in a fight by grabbing the other man's genitals then her hand shall be cut off and no pity shall be shown to her.

What the hell?!

God could not have said these things...could he?

And speaking of God saying things, why is it he was talking up a storm back then, but we hear nothing but a resounding echo of our own voices when we talk to him now?

Back to the bible...

Remember when you were in school and kids got picked on by bullies? The bullies said they would beat you up after school, or tell you to do something mean to another unsuspecting victim or else they would beat YOU up. Awful kids. Well, remember what God said to Abraham? He told him to take his only son Isaac and kill him. Abraham was ready to do it. Suddenly God said nope--it was just a test. I would not care if I were offered eternal life, a home in heaven, feathery wings and a solid gold halo--if someone or something told me to kill my only son I would cordially invite him to go fuck himself. I don't see much difference between this God and the bullies in school. Here is a chart that supposedly explains what God meant:

God told Abraham to kill his son

Why do I need a chart to explain this? Why does Jesus speak in such confusing language? In Mark, Jesus says he speaks in parables to confuse people so they will go to hell :) Again--what?? When Jesus was asked why he spoke in parables, he told his disciples they would be shown the mysteries of heaven--but not the others. So basically you had to believe BEFORE you were shown any of the truth.

Sigh. I don't like his methods.

Again--I would not hang around with this person in school and would not want him as a friend--why would I want to consider him my heavenly "father".

Old Testament, you say? True. But the new says in Matthew 5:17:

Jesus strongly approves of the law and the prophets. He hasn't the slightest objection to the cruelties of the Old Testament. 

I also don't care for the fact that we are told we can't do anything without Jesus--and we are nothing without him. That is very much contradictory to what I want my son to know. He should know that you have the power inside to run your own lives, and the decisions you make are what will shape you.

And why did Jesus need to kill a fig tree? A fig tree that he was mad at for not bearing fruit--even though it was not fig season...ah...he did it to show how much God hated figs, because he wanted figs and could not find any. This sounds like a petulant three year old who is told they can't have a lollipop.

Of course there is the part that says "true" Christians can cast out devils, speak in tongues, take up serpents, drink poisons without harm, and cure the sick by touching them. Nope. Just not true. Another radical Christian lost his life this past February after handling poisonous snakes and refusing medical treatment after he was bitten.

Yes, I know people go to church and feel Christianity and the bible show them the "good and proper" way to live, and I have nooo problem with that, if you are actually using it to be a better person. If you are a believer who condemns others, looks down on certain lifestyles, judges anyone who is not a believer in Jesus, or harms others because of your beliefs, then maybe you should find a better way to be a "good" person.

To sum things up, the bible is too contradictory to make any sense as a guidebook for my life. There are too many cruelties and atrocities and I would rather not follow a guide who condones that mindset.

Although I can't prove there is NOT a God, the book that tells me that I must believe in one or I will forever burn in a fiery pit of hell is not the kind of book for me.

Do I Believe in God?

I want to believe in God--I swear I do.

But wanting and actually believing are two completely different animals. 

I believe in fits and starts.  I go through phases where I pray and promise everything from the perfect prayer life to never using the Lord's name in vain if the turbulence in the plane would cease and we would land safely.  On the other side of the altar (coin), I condemn the entire notion of a god to worship, feeling it is a way to keep people submissive and genuflecting.

Then there is a third mindset that does not allow me to feel anything but contempt for a god that would allow his only son's death, even if it was for the salvation of an eternity of souls.  He's the ruler of everything!  For #$% sake's he could have thought of another way.

Many times I don't like him very much--or the idea of him...or her.  Maybe it was a lack of proper Sunday schooling, but I was always taught that prayer could help just about anything.  I have never found that to be the case.  (Although my plane rides HAVE all ended safely...)

God allows or disallows all things.  Why, why, why would he allow hunger, war, disease, murder, or any number of other pains and tribulations?

I am supposed to swear my love and faith to an entity that responds with resounding silences to my conversations and beseechings.

My questions are nothing new--but they never leave me.

I read the Screwtape Letters--sometimes a few times in a year--hoping to glean a shining new grain of faith from Christian scholar C. S. Lewis.  I feel energized and renewed--for a day or two.

http://www.amazon.com/Screwtape-Letters-C-S-Lewis/dp/0060652934

I want a sign.  A glowing and shining light with a voice in my head--or out loud--telling me that indeed this is truly GOD.

I will probably keep doubting and waiting.  And hoping.

Day 57 from 100 Unfortunate Days

Every single basement has a dark corner or room no one likes. Maybe the whole basement is dark and scary. Spirits collect in dark and cluttered spaces. They hide and wait for you because they are stuck. Some people can see them. Some people see the long thin black wispy figures with arms ten feet long that unfold as they slowly reach for you in the dark because you have to go down there to get something or fix a light bulb or retrieve a screwdriver. Part of you revs up and moves really quickly to get out of there because you know if you wait long enough and the arms fully unfold, they can touch you and then part of you belongs in the black corner in the basement. Then it will be very hard to be normal again. You will wake up in the middle of the night, and you won’t be able to get back to sleep because you will worry about all the things you have done wrong and how you are hurting people. You can’t get this out of your mind now and you think that maybe if you count and envision each number in your head as you say it in your mind; you can block some of the bad thoughts. Or maybe you can pray—say the Lord’s Prayer over and over and over and God will surely be there to help you because you are saying his prayer. But it doesn’t help. God doesn’t give a fuck when you are miserable—he doesn’t care if you pray. You can pray until there is blood dripping out of your mouth and nothing will change. God is an asshole that way. Even a relatively rotten person will assist you if you are begging for help. But your thoughts will just revolve through your mind over and over until you want to take a gun like the lead in Fight Club and shoot them out of your head. Maybe someday you will, but for now, you are trying to figure why God is such a jerk-off and you have to live like this. You wonder why you feel forsaken—well it’s probably because you have been forsaken and you don’t know how to live in that state. Because when you are a kid somebody probably told you everything would be all right, and now you realize they lied. So you keep lying to yourself, telling yourself it’s not such a big deal, but actually it is. Because now the dark corners in your basement have started to get darker. And bigger. The arms get longer and longer and pretty soon there won’t be anywhere you can go where they can’t touch you. So you start to drink or take pills or do some other kind of drug so you can’t tell when you get touched. But now the problem is you get touched all the time, but you don’t know it. At least now you don’t care.