Sunday, February 12, 2012

Now I'm Self-Conscious...

Christians have always made me feel uncomfortable.  Or anyone who follows a religion with unwavering belief.

How can you believe in something you cannot see, feel, or touch? 

And maybe uncomfortable is the wrong word. 

Although I don't think the way I feel is inadequate--it is close.  Maybe I feel less-than-good.  And I'm not exactly sure why.

It could be because they have that unwavering belief in God--and if you read my last post (below)--that is something I do not have.

Speaking about my last post...

I re-read it.

And then I re-read the comments.

I think a few Christians commented.  And a few non-Christians too.  I have to say these comments, along with conversations that I had with friends and family concerning God and this post, came closer to making me feel there is a God than anything I have ever read, studied or experienced in church.

Someone reached out a hand in friendship, another privately emailed me and said they understood.  Others reinforced friendships I was already proud to have.

I asked for a sign in my last post--an undeniable signal from the Big Guy himself.  This is the first time I can say their was not only a sign--but a shiny banner repeatedly putting itself in my field of vision.


Does this make me a Christian?  Or a person with an unwavering belief?

Not yet.  Which is good because I feel a bit self-conscious even writing this post because Christians and people of unwavering belief make me feel uncomfortable.  But I have to be honest...

It kinda feels neat thinking that for a change I could be headed in that direction...

Day 23 of 100 Unfortunate Days below.  One part of a journey...
Day 23

Once there was a little girl. She went into her grandmother’s special cabinet and took out all the scarves. Some were bright pink with gold coins sewn to them, some were square and some were rectangular, one had the bright eyes of many foxes, but all were silk. She knew the scarves were magic, and she brought them outside with a basket of clothes pins. She hung the scarves on the weeping willow tree in the back yard…all around the low-hanging outside branches, and formed a beautiful house with windows and a big door that opened and closed. As she clipped the last pin to the last scarf the house filled with gold furniture, and the fox jumped off the scarf and became her pet. She could hear music in her head and could light fire with her fingertips. She looked up into the night sky and she knew how old the stars were. Her eyes were the clear green of the ocean and she did not have to blink. She knew all the languages of the world and as she lay on the ground the earth swallowed her. It held her as she slept and in the morning she left her scarf house with the fox and went in to the woods. She took her pocket knife and carved her name in a tree that grew the wood that would someday form her coffin. She cut her hand on the knife and her blood dropped on the ground. A crow flew down from the sky and landed at her feet near the blood. “Go home.” it said and flew away. She followed a trail of poisonous mushrooms deeper into the woods and fell to her knees at the sight of the moon in the distance. She closed her eyes and went home to her silk house. Her parents missed her very much and her grandmother was not even mad anymore that she played with her scarves without asking. But she did not know this, and she did not miss them. She cut the lemon tart that was her breakfast and picked raspberries from the bush next to the weeping willow tree. One day she missed her parents and she went home, but they did not know her…she was not a little girl any more.




  1. I don't believe you find peace with the God of your understanding one minute before you're supposed to. And anyone who says his/her faith is unwavering has never been tried with a challenging situation.

    1. I do believe you may be right about that Miss Tash.
      I had someone say to me once that they have never been challenged--i just think they did not know it...

  2. "When you know God as peace within, then you will realize Him as peace existing in the universal harmony of all things without."
    ~Paramahansa Yogananda

    1. Lorelei--do you think that God is a separate entitiy? Or something that is part of each one of us that we just have to find...

    2. God-or the spirit-is in All things living. It is in all of us...NOT separate. Native American beliefs most closely mirror what I believe. I didn't decide this after studying their religion, but was shocked to realize that it was what I believed in!

  3. If there are folks who can honestly say their faith in God is unwavering, I think they're pretty lucky. I suspect that faith flickers, even if the light never quite goes out. That's been my experience, anyway.

    1. I would call that lucky too Mina. :)
      If I get to the point that mine flickers every once in a while that would be OK with me...

  4. I've gone through the full range. I grew up in a monotheistic faith. Was an agnostic for a while, now I do believe in a Divine force, though not in any sort of unwavering "God speaks to me" sort of way. Sentience brings with it a natural questioning.

    1. Oddly though, my settling back into a clear belief in the Divine/God/Whatever you want to call it never really came with it any sort of real change in perspective. I don't know. Maybe it's a sign in of itself that my beliefs settled into a comfortable way of belief. I honestly can't say that I feel any closer or more distant to God than I did when I was agnostic or when I was still more fervent in my childhood faith.

      It's not so much unwavering as just a comfortable acceptance.

    2. Soooo interesting J.A.
      I would be thrilled with comfortable.
      Someone wrote once that you cannot believe in 'God' and be intelligent.
      That bothered me and resonated for so long.
      Maybe you have to be resigned to the quiet.

  5. I think if there is a God, he/she/it/whatever would want to be challenged, debated, denied and everything else in between. I think it would only serve to strengthen that relationship. But if not, even to choose not to believe is still to believe in something.

    Various religions have always been a fascination with me. I even read LaVey's The Satanic Bible. It was so much different than what I thought it was going to be. If anything the Satanists of the 60's and 70's were closer to naturalists. I don't recommend this book to many people, but in your journey, I think you might find it fascinating.

    I can't remember the comedian who said something along the lines of, "My God has a sense of humor. That's why I chose him as my God, because he thinks I'm pretty f***ing funny."

    Paul D. Dail A horror writer's not necessarily horrific blog

    1. I actually had that book at one point Paul, when I was younger, and was afraid to read it. Like even just reading the words would open up a bad door. Think you are right though--does seem interesting.
      As for a sense of humor--there would have to be one here too :)

  6. Hey, Miss Penelope. I've been thinking about my potential reply to this post ever since I read it off my iPhone at 3:20 am or whatever it was. It was pretty freaking early! That's what we decided, I believe. *laughs*
    There's so many things I could write here, but really I only want to encourage you. If you feel like the big Him might be speaking to you, the last thing that I want to do is get in the way. Of all the ugliness and evil in the world, the stuff that gives God the worst name are us Christians, claiming or pretending to know everything and acting like we are better than anyone else when the only difference between us and the lost is forgiveness.
    Have a great week!


    1. Far from getting in the way, your friendship has helped me see things in a different way--even at 3:00AM! Even the 3 in the morning thing is different--that has always represented bad. Can't be bad when a friend is waving at you from cyber-space :)
      Hope you have a great week too Jimmy, and get some sleep!

  7. I believe in people and my outlook can probably most closely fall into the camp of secular humanism. I also believe in Good and Evil that are separate from people, but that can work through people. Buddhism has a tremendous draw for me; the focus on awareness and compassion dove-tail nicely with the rest of my belief system. Do I wish that I could believe in an all-encompassing God? Sometimes. Do I? No.

    Take my opinion as you will. I'm also a girl who can't spill salt without tossing some over my left shoulder and who believes my experiences in morning traffic are a direct indication of how my day will go. I always wave good-bye to my hubby when he leaves the house, even just for a quick trip to the gas station or if we're fighting because it's one of my personal superstitions that not waving is inviting bad things in.

    As far as your journey, though, I think Red Tash has it right when she said we only come to our understanding of the greater nature of God, life, and the universe when we are ready for it. If you moving into your next phase, embrace it. It appears there are a lot of people who are there to welcome you!

    1. I have to fight my superstitious-ness.
      When I was young I thought yawning was a great way for evil spirits to get in a person. I read that is why people cover their mouths (!)
      And something dawned on me as you wrote about Red's comment...I will embrace the next phase for sure--but I will also embrace the journey. I think having your eye on the prize is great, but you might miss plenty of things on the way. Thanks for being part of it :)

  8. Do not be afraid.
    Fear makes you uncomfortable.
    Fear keeps us from love.
    That's it in a nutshell.

    1. Fear not only makes me uncomfortable--it gives me interia.
      It prevents so many things.
      It is hard not to be afraid.

  9. I feel very much the same as you. The only way we really can "see" or "feel" God is through the actions of others, when other people show us they care. When one goes through long stretches of no one showing any compassion for them, "God" seems like an imaginary friend, in those times of doubt. Is it really fair for "God" to expect us to believe in Him if we see no evidence of him in the actions of other people? Hmmmmm... makes ya say, hmmm.

    1. You said it Jimmy.
      Blind faith they call it, right?
      Hmmmmm is exactly right...


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