Do I Believe in God?

I want to believe in God--I swear I do.

But wanting and actually believing are two completely different animals. 

I believe in fits and starts.  I go through phases where I pray and promise everything from the perfect prayer life to never using the Lord's name in vain if the turbulence in the plane would cease and we would land safely.  On the other side of the altar (coin), I condemn the entire notion of a god to worship, feeling it is a way to keep people submissive and genuflecting.

Then there is a third mindset that does not allow me to feel anything but contempt for a god that would allow his only son's death, even if it was for the salvation of an eternity of souls.  He's the ruler of everything!  For #$% sake's he could have thought of another way.

Many times I don't like him very much--or the idea of him...or her.  Maybe it was a lack of proper Sunday schooling, but I was always taught that prayer could help just about anything.  I have never found that to be the case.  (Although my plane rides HAVE all ended safely...)

God allows or disallows all things.  Why, why, why would he allow hunger, war, disease, murder, or any number of other pains and tribulations?

I am supposed to swear my love and faith to an entity that responds with resounding silences to my conversations and beseechings.

My questions are nothing new--but they never leave me.

I read the Screwtape Letters--sometimes a few times in a year--hoping to glean a shining new grain of faith from Christian scholar C. S. Lewis.  I feel energized and renewed--for a day or two.

http://www.amazon.com/Screwtape-Letters-C-S-Lewis/dp/0060652934

I want a sign.  A glowing and shining light with a voice in my head--or out loud--telling me that indeed this is truly GOD.

I will probably keep doubting and waiting.  And hoping.

Day 57 from 100 Unfortunate Days

Every single basement has a dark corner or room no one likes. Maybe the whole basement is dark and scary. Spirits collect in dark and cluttered spaces. They hide and wait for you because they are stuck. Some people can see them. Some people see the long thin black wispy figures with arms ten feet long that unfold as they slowly reach for you in the dark because you have to go down there to get something or fix a light bulb or retrieve a screwdriver. Part of you revs up and moves really quickly to get out of there because you know if you wait long enough and the arms fully unfold, they can touch you and then part of you belongs in the black corner in the basement. Then it will be very hard to be normal again. You will wake up in the middle of the night, and you won’t be able to get back to sleep because you will worry about all the things you have done wrong and how you are hurting people. You can’t get this out of your mind now and you think that maybe if you count and envision each number in your head as you say it in your mind; you can block some of the bad thoughts. Or maybe you can pray—say the Lord’s Prayer over and over and over and God will surely be there to help you because you are saying his prayer. But it doesn’t help. God doesn’t give a fuck when you are miserable—he doesn’t care if you pray. You can pray until there is blood dripping out of your mouth and nothing will change. God is an asshole that way. Even a relatively rotten person will assist you if you are begging for help. But your thoughts will just revolve through your mind over and over until you want to take a gun like the lead in Fight Club and shoot them out of your head. Maybe someday you will, but for now, you are trying to figure why God is such a jerk-off and you have to live like this. You wonder why you feel forsaken—well it’s probably because you have been forsaken and you don’t know how to live in that state. Because when you are a kid somebody probably told you everything would be all right, and now you realize they lied. So you keep lying to yourself, telling yourself it’s not such a big deal, but actually it is. Because now the dark corners in your basement have started to get darker. And bigger. The arms get longer and longer and pretty soon there won’t be anywhere you can go where they can’t touch you. So you start to drink or take pills or do some other kind of drug so you can’t tell when you get touched. But now the problem is you get touched all the time, but you don’t know it. At least now you don’t care.

Tim Burton, Edgar Allen Poe, Edward Gorey and MoMA

Tim Burton is known for his movies; Edward Scissorhands, The Nightmare Before Christmas, Alice in Wonderland (the ninth highest grossing film ever made) and Sweeney Todd.  And rightfully so. They are gorgeously dark, child-like yet demented, and touched with a poignancy usually not felt in horror and fantasy.

Three years ago I was introduced to his art and writing at an exhibition at MoMA in NYC. Tim Burton is a prolific artist, and I walked through rooms of sketches of mysterious stairways, paintings of aliens, sculptures of circus creatures, glow-in-the-dark puppets, costumes from his movies, and other ephemera. 

Strolling through the outdoor patio of the museum I noticed two topiaries from Edward Scissorhands. Also on display were those terrible eyes that popped out of Large Marge's face in the memorable scene from Pee Wee's Big Adventure.

The original sketches of his first ideas from Edward Scissorhands were situated near a child's dollhouse where each room contained a grisly murder scene.

Along with the Edward sketches was the costume Johnny Depp wore in the movie, his scissor-handed gloves, and cinema posters featuring not only Edward, but all of Tim Burton's movies.

For admission to the black-lighted carnival area, one entered into the mouth of a toothy monster, and through a long black and white striped hallway dotted with video monitors showing Stain Boy, a character from Burton's book The Melancholy Death of Oyster Boy and Other Stories.

  This book contains stories and poems sometimes reminiscent of the tales of Edward Gorey.  Find his book here:

http://www.amazon.com/dp/0688156819/ref=rdr_ext_tmb

There was a blotter from his desk filled with doodles and early ideas.  

There is a sweet and needy feel to his work, and one wonders if he is sad, manic, brilliant, or mad. Possibly a combination. One of his early films is called Vincent, about a young man who is captivated by Vincent Price, much like Tim Burton. He is also influenced by the works of Poe. The dark and moody images of his work seems to somehow echo Poe's elegant words. I feel if Masque of the Red Death were made into a film directed by Burton we would witness some of the most stunning imagery ever produced.

Read Poe's startling story here:
http://www.poemuseum.org/works-masque.php

Oh, how I wish this display would come back to NYC. But I don't think this will happen anytime soon--Burton has chosen to bring his display to Paris at Cinematheque. 

Lucky Paris.

Dark Shadows, featuring Johnny Depp as vampire Barnabas Collins was released May 11, 2012.

Big Eyes was released last Christmas.

Miss Peregrine's School for Peculiar Children expected to release on Christmas 2016.

Do You Believe in Possession? A True Story

Do You Believe in Possession? A True Story

When I was in tenth grade my best friend went to Portugal for a month during the summer.  Her health had been slightly off, so I was surprised her family was taking her on such a long trip. 

When she came home she had on a new gold necklace with a locket and a bracelet with some charms on it.  When I asked her what was in the locket, she told me she would rather not talk about it.  Eventually she talked. 

She told me a priest in Portugal gave them to her after her exorcism to keep away the devils.  He told her she had been possessed by several demons, and she should wear the charms at all times, and never open the locket. 

She told me her relatives kept her in her room for several days and nights, and she could hear chanting in a language she could not understand through the walls.  She said the night before the exorcism she could understand.

The next day her family brought her to a cave, and the priest began a prayer and that is the last thing she remembers.  They told her she fell backwards like she had fainted, and her head was bent so far back they thought she would break her neck.  Her stomach began to rise and fall, and when her eyes fluttered like she might be waking,  all four people there could not lift her.

They told her the priest said one of the spirits haunting her was someone her own father had harmed in a business transaction, and this was its way of doing him harm.

On a rainy, boring Saturday as we sat in her room she decided to open the locket.

Inside was a tiny ladder, a lightning bolt, some white cloth, dust or dirt, a cross, and several other items I cannot remember.  She poured them out in her palm, and as she was examining them she shook her hand and remarked they had burned her.  She told me they left red marks on her hand but would not show me.  I was scared and went home. 

I remember her thinking the devil was after her, and her boyfriend and I would tease her and try and scare her. 

She got sicker and sicker from an ailment that was never quite figured out, and eventually passed away from what the doctors said was Wilson's disease.

A few years after that her boyfriend fell off of a second story balcony and broke his neck.  He has been in a wheelchair ever since.

I called her in the hospital in NYC a few days before she died and her mother would not let me speak to her on the phone, but I heard her voice in the background.  Her once friendly, happy voice sounded like knives being dragged down a chalkboard, and I will never forget it.

Did she die from a disease?  Was she possessed?  Did the items in her charm actually burn her hand?  The timing of all the events was amazing, and I am still scared of the devil probably more than I should be.  There is a part of me that feels I should not be writing this, that I should leave it alone.  Do you think I should be scared?

Someone who read my book 100 Unfortunate Days said talent is usually called a gift from God, she said my book might be the one case it is not true.  One reviewer wrote she could not sleep for nights after reading it and had to stop.  Here is that review:

"I began reading 100 Unfortunate Days over a month ago. I read more than half, late at night, in one sitting. I felt an immediate kinship with the protagonist. I asked myself, had Crowe inexplicably been inside my head extracting images? Or had the worms squished their way inside, muddying up my brain? I had an uneasy feeling that the worms were already there, dormant, and 100 Unfortunate Days disturbed them. That night I had a dream or a vision of an old ghost-man smiling at me, on the verge of a laugh, at the foot of my bed. I didn't read any more for 7 days. Then i read a bit past day 75. This time i was visited by a demon troll who tried to take away my breath as i slept. I didn't read again for 14 days. I finished it today and I agree with Crowe, there should be a disclaimer before Day 1 because I am fairly certain that parts of this book may have been infected by the devil and in turn may contaminate you. That's balderdash, right? Maybe. If you are a skeptic and take this work as pure fiction from a very talented, highly imaginative authoress, go ahead and turn the page...and wish me luck tonight while i sleep..."

Maybe I will add that disclaimer...
  
I don't want to believe in the devil, but I may have to say that I do...

Protection from St. Michael--you may need it after this post:

http://www.traditioninaction.org/religious/b009rpMichael.htm

Please Welcome Joshua Corey Mays!

Today I am pleased to welcome Joshua Corey Mays to As the Crowe Flies.  I did not post his picture because I did not want to be responsible for all the women chasing him after this :)

Hope you enjoy his interview.

*Please tell me about your book.

My book is about a boy who discovers a world hidden from our own. It’s a world where our myths have existed for thousands of years without the flow of time. Space and time work differently here, making the protagonist's journey more interesting.

*When and why did you start writing?

I started writing because it’s something that has always interested me. I’ve had an interest in reading for as long as I can remember, so I think there was always going to be that natural “next step”.  At some point you get tired of saying to yourself “I wish this would have happened like this,” or  “I would have changed that.”

*What inspires you?

Things I can’t understand or explain, and any work I feel I could have done better. Unsolved mysteries and the Time life books, “Mysteries of the unknown” shaped me interests early on. I moved from ghosts and aliens to the occult, where I read everything I could that I felt had any amount of validity to it.

When it comes to things I feel I could do better, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been watching a really bad B movie, or reading an awful book and thought, “Interesting premise, too bad the creator didn’t do this, or that!” From there the ideas takes shape and morphs into a completely different creature. Maybe it's better, maybe its not, but either way, I feel inspired.

My first book, Terra Incognita: The Abyss, came about because I wanted to write a book, but I didn’t really want to do anything very challenging. A problem I’ve had my entire life, is that I over complicate everything. I would have started writing years ago, if I could have just stopped myself from going so in depth with every idea. There was something alluring to the idea of coming up with a simple premise (a boy gets drawn into a new, mysterious world) and running with it. I know it sounds like a cop out, and it is.

*Are you working on anything now?

Yes, I’m currently working on a vampire novel. I’m only about 10 pages in, so I doubt it will be done anytime soon.

*Is there anything you do NOT like about being a writer?

The more I write, the more I want to write, and the less time I have to do other things. But that’s not so bad. One thing I hate about being an indie author is marketing. I can’t stand it, and honestly wish I could get along without it.

*What do you think of the ebook revolution?

It’s a natural progression of technology. It was bound to happen eventually.

*How do you see your writing career in five years?

At this rate, I don’t know. There are good days and bad days. Sometimes I feel like I’m on the way up, and then I realize that the more people I get to read my work, the more bad reviews I’m gonna get. Time will tell if I’m going to be anything.

*Is there anything you will NOT write about?

Maybe not a subject, but there are genres I won’t write. I don’t think romance will fit into my schedule anytime soon.

*In what genre do you prefer to write?  To read?

I’ve always been fond of horror so I tend to but a horror spin on everything I do. My fantasy series is “dark fantasy” because I tend to like creepy dark things that lurk in the shadows.

I really want to be considered a prolific writer, so I'm gonna tackle as much as I possibly can. I think it’s important that all writers break away from their safety zones, and try something new and different.

*Please tell us about any ups and downs in your writing career so far.

So far, other than one bad review, it’s been all ups! I’m still a new author because my book has only been published a few months, and I must say, every sale I still a milestone at this point. Sad, I know, but it cheers me up every day.

*Do you have any suggestions to people who might be considering writing as a career?

Don’t quit your day job, and hire an editor. This is a lot of fun, and the possibility to make money is definitely here, but it could be a long hard road to the top, and you are going to need money to fund every book cover and editor you get.

As far as an editor goes, hire one! It was the best thing I’ve ever done, and it’s important that your stuff looks professional.

*Anything else you want to add?

Buy my books! Oh, and add me on facebook and tell me if you liked them or not!

Find Joshua's books here:

http://www.amazon.com/Terra-Incognita-The-Abyss-ebook/dp/B0051UN7VS/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1327006816&sr=8-1&fb_source=message

http://www.amazon.com/Terra-Incognita-The-Other-ebook/dp/B006YZQCI4/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1327006836&sr=8-4&fb_source=message

Do You Believe in Possession? A True Story

When I was in tenth grade my best friend went to Portugal for a month during the summer.  Her health had been slightly off, so I was surprised her family was taking her on such a long trip. 

When she came home she had on a new gold necklace with a locket and a bracelet with some charms on it.  When I asked her what was in the locket, she told me she would rather not talk about it.  Eventually she talked. 

She told me a priest in Portugal gave them to her after her exorcism to keep away the devils.  He told her she had been possessed by several demons, and she should wear the charms at all times, and never open the locket. 

She told me her relatives kept her in her room for several days and nights, and she could hear chanting in a language she could not understand through the walls.  She said the night before the exorcism she could understand.

The next day her family brought her to a cave, and the priest began a prayer and that is the last thing she remembers.  They told her she fell backwards like she had fainted, and her head was bent so far back they thought she would break her neck.  Her stomach began to rise and fall, and when her eyes fluttered like she might be waking,  all four people there could not lift her.

They told her the priest said one of the spirits haunting her was someone her own father had harmed in a business transaction, and this was its way of doing him harm.

On a rainy, boring Saturday as we sat in her room she decided to open the locket.

Inside was a tiny ladder, a lightning bolt, some white cloth, dust or dirt, a cross, and several other items I cannot remember.  She poured them out in her palm, and as she was examining them she shook her hand and remarked they had burned her.  She told me they left red marks on her hand but would not show me.  I was scared and went home. 

I remember her thinking the devil was after her, and her boyfriend and I would tease her and try and scare her. 

She got sicker and sicker from an ailment that was never quite figured out, and eventually passed away from what the doctors said was Wilson's disease.

A few years after that her boyfriend fell off of a second story balcony and broke his neck.  He has been in a wheelchair ever since.

I called her in the hospital in NYC a few days before she died and her mother would not let me speak to her on the phone, but I heard her voice in the background.  Her once friendly, happy voice sounded like knives being dragged down a chalkboard, and I will never forget it.

Did she die from a disease?  Was she possessed?  Did the items in her charm actually burn her hand?  The timing of all the events was amazing, and I am still scared of the devil probably more than I should be.  There is a part of me that feels I should not be writing this, that I should leave it alone.  Do you think I should be scared?

Someone who read my book 100 Unfortunate Days said talent is usually called a gift from God, she said my book might be the one case it is not true.  One reviewer wrote she could not sleep for nights after reading it and had to stop.  Here is that review:

"I began reading 100 Unfortunate Days over a month ago. I read more than half, late at night, in one sitting. I felt an immediate kinship with the protagonist. I asked myself, had Crowe inexplicably been inside my head extracting images? Or had the worms squished their way inside, muddying up my brain? I had an uneasy feeling that the worms were already there, dormant, and 100 Unfortunate Days disturbed them. That night I had a dream or a vision of an old ghost-man smiling at me, on the verge of a laugh, at the foot of my bed. I didn't read any more for 7 days. Then i read a bit past day 75. This time i was visited by a demon troll who tried to take away my breath as i slept. I didn't read again for 14 days. I finished it today and I agree with Crowe, there should be a disclaimer before Day 1 because I am fairly certain that parts of this book may have been infected by the devil and in turn may contaminate you. That's balderdash, right? Maybe. If you are a skeptic and take this work as pure fiction from a very talented, highly imaginative authoress, go ahead and turn the page...and wish me luck tonight while i sleep..."

Maybe I will add that disclaimer...
  
I don't want to believe in the devil, but I may have to say that I do...

Protection from St. Michael--you may need it after this post:

http://www.traditioninaction.org/religious/b009rpMichael.htm

Can Reading Ever Be Bad?

Can we get so involved in books that our normal lives are compromised?  Is reading always a good thing?

I'm not talking about getting hooked on a good title now and then, I'm wondering about people who read one book after another and sit home while others are out experiencing life.

Ahhh, you say, books ARE an experience.  They take you places you may never see like the moon or Antarctica, let you experience things you don't want to like murders or disease or even the zombie apocalypse, and let you live a vicarious life that could otherwise get you in heaps of trouble. 

But can we spend too much time in these other worlds?  Does our everyday life pale in comparison to what we read, and does this make us less content?  Or is every book an enhancement, a gorgeous distraction to an otherwise mundane existance.

I am interested in the fact that many doctors and psychotherapists say we are better off spending time outside and interacting with others to keep our spirits up.  Physical activity works just as well at curing depression as anti-depresant medication.  When people are blue they are told to accept invitations even if they do not want to get out and get involved with the world.

Reading is easy, and if we are feeling a bit sad or blue maybe we need to catch ourselves and put the books away for a while and get out of the house. (I am not trying to trivialize depression at ALL or imply that reading can cause depression.)

Please know I am not suggesting reading is bad, just playing devil's advocate because it is generally stated that reading is wonderful, and I usually agree.

 I just keep thinking about the other side of the coin.

Physical activity and feeling good:
http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mentalhealthinfo/treatments/exerciseandmentalhealth.aspx

Reading and feeling good:
http://www.pickthebrain.com/blog/5-simple-yet-effective-feel-good-factors/

The Gorey Details

A friend recently asked me to draw a picture to be included in her book.  The original drawing was a bit light, so I added some crosshatching to make it a bit more detailed and darker.

Happily she liked the results, and so did I.

The drawing reminded me of something, but I could not put my finger on it.  I walked away to get the phone and when I came back it hit me...it reminded me of Edward Gorey.

Please do not think I am comparing my skills to the incredible skills of Mr. Gorey, but it was neat to see a bit of similarity in style.  His work fascinated me since I was a kid when my Aunt Annie got his book AMPHIGOREY for Christmas one year.  I was especially intrigued by the cartoons that were captioned in French thinking they must be especially terrible.  I read that he has been compared to Poe and Tim Burton, or a combination of the two. 

His work is dark, beautiful, and disturbing, and my parents worried that I liked him and the group KISS.  The Bug Book was written just for kids, but lacked his dark edge, so it was not my favorite. 

A favorite of mine was his alphabet book.  These books were traditionally a happy and cheerful way for children to learn their A,B,C's.  Gorey's version was dark and macabre and so far away from child-appropriate that it was glorious.  Here is a sample:

A is for Amy who fell down the stairs--
B is for Basil assaulted by bears--
C is for Clara who wasted away--
D is for Desmond thrown out of a sleigh...

Bloody and dismal pictures graced every page.

You get the idea.

The aforementioned Amphigorey contains fifteen of his works, and is worthy of any library.
 http://www.amazon.com/Amphigorey-Fifteen-Books-Edward-Gorey/dp/0399504338

So if you like dark, dismal, creepy, disturbing and wonderful--look for Edward Gorey.  I am so glad I thought of him today.    :)

A very nice blog that features Gorey's pictures up-close and creepy:
 http://beyondtheblackgate.blogspot.com/2011/07/lazy-blog-post-edward-gorey.html

Goreyography:
http://www.goreyography.com/default.html

Day 10 of 100 Unfortunate Days

The narrator of 100 Unfortunate Days is on the verge of a breakthrough--or breakdown.  She is opinionated, overwhelmed, and angry.  She also has some very bright ideas.  You can be the judge about her ideas on Day 10...

Day 10

You can tell what kind of person someone is by the kind of pet they have. It is almost as accurate as a horoscope.

Dogs—Anyone who likes dogs is a nice person. Anyone who likes owning a dog is an idiot. They also like things like cooking and having people over for Thanksgiving. They don’t mind cleaning up and have a stronger stomach than others. They are afraid of the dark and of being alone. They believe in God and the Devil. They do not think much. They are matter-of-fact. They are dull.

Cat—Cat people are selfish. They are either interesting or crazy. The more cats you have, the crazier you are. Unless you have outside mousers. They can also see different colors than your average person. They are either interested in fashion or witchcraft. They have a hidden affinity for the occult. Anyone who owns a cat is slightly influenced by the devil because cats are familiars of evil. If you wake up a cat-lover unexpectedly their eyes will glow.

Fish—Fish owners are technical and possibly engineers or scientists. Or kids. Adults do not have fish unless they have a poor sex life. They can also be hard to figure out and slippery characters. Doctor’s and dentist’s offices do not apply here.

Lizards—People who like lizards like guns—and maybe knives. They may have or want to get tattoos. They think they’re special and do not care much about getting sick. They are loners and have good hearing. They may have more facial hair than average. They may drive a truck.

Birds—Bird owners either have no feelings or feel too much. Men who like birds that talk have the same type of issues as men who like ventriloquist dummies. Women who like birds like flowers and fancy themselves as better than everyone else. Sometimes they are right. Bird owners have a higher IQ than the general public.

Hamsters, gerbils and mice—These pets are usually for kids. No comment on the kids that own them. Adults that own them are weird.

Rats—People who own rats think they are very interesting. They think people look at them in awe and wonder how they can make their rat act so nice—even if the rat is not nice. They usually have some piercings or tattoos, like lizard people, and like heavy metal music and dress in black.

Ferrets—Owning a ferret usually means you are devious and a bit snippy. Sometimes very snippy. You are a bit of an oddball. You don’t like to read very much. You like TV. And you get the TV Guide delivered to your house—that kind of counts as a book.

Horses—People that own horses think they are free spirits and in touch with the earth. They may be rich, or are trying to act rich. They like to be the center of attention and may have big teeth and big smiles. They own too many cars and don’t mind traveling a far distance to get a good cup of coffee.

Snakes—There is just something wrong with people who have snakes for pets. Especially poisonous ones. And now you are going to read this and get mad that I said there is something wrong with you. If there wasn’t anything wrong with you, you would just ignore that statement.

Bugs, spiders, cockroaches and the like—Just like snakes. Something wrong with you.

There are people with no pets at all. They are probably the smartest people.

(Please know these are not my true opinions.  I actually love animals, and usually, their owners...)

Selfish or Not? My Own Wishes

I was thinking of my New Year's resolutions and things I would like to do differently in 2012. I was thinking how I could be a better person and what I could do for others.  I was also thinking what I would wish for in 2012.

Of course I would like world peace, and an end to disease and hunger.  I wish for those things without even thinking any more.

But I found myself thinking in a new direction this New Year's eve.  I had my eyes screwed shut and I was wishing like a five year old right before blowing out the candles on a birthday cake.  I wanted stuff for ME.

I thought of a bigger house, a very sparkly pair of diamond hoop earrings, and a never-ending pass to a spa for pedicures and massages.  I want my son to do wonderfully in school, to have a peaceful relationship with my husband, to have a successful writing career, and my pets to vanish.  While we are at it, I would love someone to cook for me.

I am not a terrible person, it just felt so good to think about myself for a change.  And I let myself revel about this without feeling guilty.  It was great.        

I pondered this for a while.  I still want the bigger picture--no more war and hunger and pain, but maybe I will put my own wishes back in the picture just a little bit.  I think it is OK to conjure up some of that five year old magic for ourselves sometimes. 

What would be your three wishes?

(Please visit my new blog and help with the Eclectic Reader Challenge of 2012   http://www.penelopecrowereads.blogspot.com/ ) :)