Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Day 10 of 100 Unfortunate Days

The narrator of 100 Unfortunate Days is on the verge of a breakthrough--or breakdown.  She is opinionated, overwhelmed, and angry.  She also has some very bright ideas.  You can be the judge about her ideas on Day 10...

You can tell what kind of person someone is by the kind of pet they have. It is almost as accurate as a horoscope.
Dogs—Anyone who likes dogs is a nice person. Anyone who likes owning a dog is an idiot. They also like things like cooking and having people over for Thanksgiving. They don’t mind cleaning up and have a stronger stomach than others. They are afraid of the dark and of being alone. They believe in God and the Devil. They do not think much. They are matter-of-fact. They are dull.
Cat—Cat people are selfish. They are either interesting or crazy. The more cats you have, the crazier you are. Unless you have outside mousers. They can also see different colors than your average person. They are either interested in fashion or witchcraft. They have a hidden affinity for the occult. Anyone who owns a cat is slightly influenced by the devil because cats are familiars of evil. If you wake up a cat-lover unexpectedly their eyes will glow.
Fish—Fish owners are technical and possibly engineers or scientists. Or kids. Adults do not have fish unless they have a poor sex life. They can also be hard to figure out and slippery characters. Doctor’s and dentist’s offices do not apply here.
Lizards—People who like lizards like guns—and maybe knives. They may have or want to get tattoos. They think they’re special and do not care much about getting sick. They are loners and have good hearing. They may have more facial hair than average. They may drive a truck.
Birds—Bird owners either have no feelings or feel too much. Men who like birds that talk have the same type of issues as men who like ventriloquist dummies. Women who like birds like flowers and fancy themselves as better than everyone else. Sometimes they are right. Bird owners have a higher IQ than the general public.
Hamsters, gerbils and mice—These pets are usually for kids. No comment on the kids that own them. Adults that own them are weird.
Rats—People who own rats think they are very interesting. They think people look at them in awe and wonder how they can make their rat act so nice—even if the rat is not nice. They usually have some piercings or tattoos, like lizard people, and like heavy metal music and dress in black.
Ferrets—Owning a ferret usually means you are devious and a bit snippy. Sometimes very snippy. You are a bit of an oddball. You don’t like to read very much. You like TV. And you get the TV Guide delivered to your house—that kind of counts as a book.
Horses—People that own horses think they are free spirits and in touch with the earth. They may be rich, or are trying to act rich. They like to be the center of attention and may have big teeth and big smiles. They own too many cars and don’t mind traveling a far distance to get a good cup of coffee.
Snakes—There is just something wrong with people who have snakes for pets. Especially poisonous ones. And now you are going to read this and get mad that I said there is something wrong with you. If there wasn’t anything wrong with you, you would just ignore that statement.
Bugs, spiders, cockroaches and the like—Just like snakes. Something wrong with you.
There are people with no pets at all. They are probably the smartest people.

(Please know these are not my true opinions.  I actually love animals, and usually, their owners...)


  1. From you cousin, Sue Ricci: I love this post, but you left out the part about the tiger type pet!

  2. From Sue, again, did not edit, eyeballs are crossed, post appeared like an inner city dummie wrote it!

  3. So funny, I snorted out loud! :-)


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