Tomorrow is Valentine's Day and I'm not sure I like it.
Everyone knows relationships are not easy.
The beginning is lovely: hot, blurry, and fast, with not a whole lot to worry about.
Reality sets in relatively quickly, some moving into a comfortable and safe haven of support and familiarity. Some follow a different path.
Some fall out of synch--the passion they once felt passes and they realize they have nothing in common. Others need a change of pace, or haven't found the "one". Unfortunately there are those that cheat, and aren't up front enough to inform the partner the relationship is done. Whatever the case may be, breaking up is hard to do...most of the time.
Of course there are clear-cut situations where the relationship should end, but what about those cases where you are not quite sure what to do? Maybe you don't really talk that much anymore, maybe you have grown apart, maybe you are too comfortable in the situation and ending it just seems like too much of a big deal.
Many self-help books tell us that we deserve to find a relationship that will fulfill us and satisfy our every need. But the older I get the more I wonder if this exists. Is there really such thing as a relationship that keeps its spark? Where the partners are passionately in love--after 20, 30--50 years?
Match.com and eHarmony have become a popular way to meet a mate, or at least find someone to date. They ask us questions and allow us a window into the lives of potential new friends. Do you like sports? Reading? Pina coladas?
Although I DO think it is a good method to find someone with similar interests, and I know many people who found partners through these services, I'm not sure they really get to the heart of who we are. I have different interpretations of the answers to these questions that translate into scenarios that occur later in the relationship. For instance:
* I love sport turns into--I will not be available most weekends during football season (in other words, 27 weeks of you include probowl, preseason and the Superbowl--more than half a year). Then there is baseball season, from April through October--well--you get the picture.
* Loves children--seems to be a potentially scary way to covertly say clock is ticking--wants kids...maybe ASAP.
* Loves books--many long, quiet nights ahead--in the house.
* Free-spirited--this is a big one that could mean they don't have a job, or they don't shave (male or female), or they are disorganized. Don't look for a spotless house. (I speak from experience with this one...)
* Loves cats--well--I like them too, but not enough to announce it to the world. Potential cat person. You will only be fed AFTER Pooky, Dusty, String Bean, Kim Kat-dashian, DeeDee, Marshmallow, Daryl Dixon and Jelly Bean.
Any of these are fine if you know what you are getting yourself into--I just think sometimes the meanings are lost in translation. But back to relationships...
I see many relationships that sort of fade into a vanilla ice cream kind of happy--not bad--but could use some sprinkles or chips. Maybe that is all we can ask for--someone to be there, laugh with, and maybe even understand us a little. I personally do NOT think the Prince Charming scenario exists, but at this time in my life I even wonder if anyone truly stays in love.
I would love to hear what you have to say about this.
Yesterday I was thinking about the importance of our surroundings. Not just our furniture and home, but the people we allow into our lives. Family, friends, and spouses become our focus, and we get lost in the daily motion of the everyday.
We become friends with people for different reasons, and unlike those in our families, it is easier to allow these folks in, or to keep them out. When relationships don't work out we feel bad. If we stay in the relationships it can even be worse for us.
Many studies have shown that being in bad relationships not only makes us sad, but can make us sick. We think of our emotions as completely separate from our bodies; but we are starting to realize that our thoughts can and do influence how we live our lives. Each of our subtle thoughts send a series of hormones and energetic impulses through us; if they are bad we can become depressed in body and mind. Our systems slow down and we do not work properly. If this happens over and over, a negative event does not have to happen, we can THINK it will and we will have the same response.
Some people are said to be sensitive to electrical fields and feel poorly when subjected to them. In one study these sensitive individuals were connected to MRI monitors and given cell phones and asked if they felt anything when they held them to their ears. They reported feeling headaches, sharp pains, dizziness and blurred vision. The pain centers in their brains did indeed light up on the MRI showing they were experiencing pain. Interestingly, these were NOT cell phones, and there was no electrical field. The pain was real, and in the future these people may experience the same types of pain when exposed to cell phones again. (Deepak Chopra)
A similar thing happens with our emotions. If a relationship is negative, we are already expecting a bad experience and start to respond before a heated situation starts. Inversely, if we are in a happy situation, our bodies and mind are saturated with a different energy, we feel strong, confident, and able. When we are in love it feels as if we can survive on water and air, and sometimes we do.
If we concentrate on something that truly makes us feel good, our bodies start to produce dopamine which makes us talkative and excited, serotonin to make us happy, and several other "drugs" that alter our sense of well being. Low levels of serotonin are linked to heart disease, high blood pressure, and high cholesterol. Our nation spends billions of dollars on pharmaceuticals to relieve these symptoms of hopelessness and gloom.
Many self help books speak of affirmations or smiling even if we are feeling low. This may help certain individuals feel better, but it does not work for all. Negative thoughts can creep in, or our minds repeat our worries to us. Most of us can conjure a thought or image or idea that is heartwarming, peaceful, or brings us joy.
If we can hold this image long enough, our bodies respond as if we are experiencing the happy moment again. Like the sensitive people in the electricity experiment, we begin to experience changes in our bodies from thinking...but these are positive. We don't have to force a smile because we actually begin to feel better.
We are used to separating our bodies from our emotions. We go to the doctor to get treated for high blood pressure or headaches, and we expect to leave with a prescriptive quick fix. We are given different medications for our skin rash and our stomach aches, and another for our anxiety or depression. Most likely all of these symptoms are related, the result of a negative situation or circumstance.
Maybe our bodies are a storehouse for our spirit or soul. If we are feeling poorly, could it be from a disharmony in our lives? If have repetitive thoughts, is it our soul trying to tell us to fix this?
I realize what I have written is a simplification of a far deeper subject. I have just stumbled upon this idea personally, and for some reason it feels extremely important to me, and I will do my best each day to focus on something that brings me to a really good place mentally.
Suddenly I feel we DO have a soul, and we should start paying more attention to it.
She was married to my grandfather over 65 years. They grew up in a port town in New Jersey and met when they were about eleven. They spent their childhoods with no television, and although the technology was available, they did not have a phone until they were married. My grandfather used to try and pay a visit to my grandmother when they were in middle school, and her mother used to pour water on his head from the third story window to make him go away.
Obviously this did not deter him, for they were married about seven years later after he bought her a coat during one very cold winter because she did not have the money.
He was a big man--over six feet tall with a big barrel chest and strong arms. She was tiny--more than a foot smaller than he, standing about four foot nine or ten.
I remember him often trying to give her kisses, and her playfully slapping him away.
When he passed away everyone cried--he was a man who loved everyone equally, played no favorites to kids, grand kids, or great-grand kids. Except for one--his wife. She was the girl of his dreams forever, and I could tell he never, ever lost his fondness for her.
I can't say the same in reverse. She was eternally exasperated with him, and let him know in no uncertain terms. Yet she was devastated when he passed.
We are not the same people we were when we met our mates. Even five years can be an eternity when it comes to maturity.
I agree with Liz Phair when she says in her song "Somebody's Miracle" that watching a couple staying close is like the bloom of a rose. I also agree with her that this is something to be envied. To be able to evolve together, to stay in love, and to have someone forever is a gift.
"Somebody's Miracle"
I'm so far, so far away from it now
That it seems like I may never know how
People stay in love for half of their lives
It's a secret they keep between husbands and wives
Baby, There goes somebody's miracle
Walking down the street
There goes some modern fairy tale
I wish it could happen to me
But I look at myself
Wonderin' if I'm just too weak
To have such faith in myself
Once upon a time I was so restless in love
When things we're fine, I changed my mind just because
Now I see how wrong and reckless I've been
Each frog has a prince just waiting inside of him
Baby, there goes somebody's miracle
Walking down the street
There goes some modern fairy tale
I wish it could happen to me
But I look at myself, and I think what the hell
Maybe I'm just too naive
To have such faith in myself
You know I'm prayin' for it
But the queen, she likes to sit on her throne
Doesn't mean you two are never alone
It's just love has needs that love only knows
Watch a couple stay close, it's like the bloom of a rose
Baby, there goes somebody's miracle
Walking down the street
There goes some other fairy tale
I wish it could happen to me
There goes somebody's miracle
Walking down the street
There goes some modern fairy tale...
I never cry out loud,
I keep my tears to myself
But I woke up one day and I found my life had left me for someone else
I guess it must be unhappy with me
Baby, there goes somebody's miracle
Walking down the street
There goes some modern fairy tale
I wish it could happen to me
But I look at myself
Wondering if I'm just too weak
To have such faith in myself
You know I'm prayin for it
You know I'm prayin for it
You know I'm prayin for it
I don't believe there is a tried-and-true path to true love, I do not believe all loves last, but I do believe we can have more than one true love in our lives. Although I am not a magician or witch, I wish there were some type of magic we could do to make that special someone love us forever. And there have been times when I wished a love would just end.
Here is a Recipe for Love taken from 100 Unfortunate Days, and don't forget...be careful what you wish for...
Recipe for Love.
3 ounce of rum (can be spiced, coconut—anything—) that has been left in the moonlight for 3 nights.If you leave it in the waxing moon, the person will notice you, if you leave it in the waning moon, the person will leave, if you leave it in a full moon the connection will last forever—whether you like it or not.
3 leaves of fresh mint
3 grains of salt
3 grains of sugar
3 ounces of club soda or seltzer
3 ice cubes
3 tiny pieces of a fresh basil leaf
Put all ingredients in a metal or glass shaker (no plastic because it will steal the energy) and shake very quickly to a slow count of 3 with your eyes closed.Serve immediately.Do not serve this drink to more than one person—you would pay for that mistake for the rest of your life.
I think we all believe in some form of magic...
A well-composed book is a magic carpet on which we are wafted to a world that we cannot enter in any other way.Caroline Gordon
Life steps along at a regular pace most of the time, with some curve balls thrown in for good measure. Nine times out of ten we field the curve balls with a smile, and come out relatively the same on the other side. We dust ourselves off and find we are more fit for the next pitch.
Then some of us have children. This is a fast ball of unparalled speed.
Now your life becomes a never-ending series of light and dark moments. Happening at the same time.
For instance, you are so desperate for some alone time in the first years of your child's life that you are beside yourself. Then it is almost time for your little one to start school, and you are thrilled. The first day of school comes and your usually independent little bugger is not only screaming at a glass-breaking pitch, you have to peel them off of your leg and leave them crying "MOMMY!" repeatedly as you leave the building. You have your alone time, but now you are not so thrilled. You feel guilty and all you can think about is your child's well-being. And how sad they must feel. And how miserable you feel.
The school day finally ends and you can't wait to pick them up. You envision their tear-streaked faces and bloodshot eyes. But when you show up they happily run over and show you the craft they made. Yay! Happiness! All is well--the angels are singing and the weight of the world is off your shoulders. Only now you are a little mad because you spent your whole day worrying. And you still feel like you need time to yourself because all you did was think of them all day. And this repeats every day for the next million years, but the screaming tones down to grumbling as they get a bit older. Then it is finally time for them to graduate and you are thrilled, and so sad at the same time. They are no longer small, and you miss that. They were so sweet! And we are so proud now! How they have grown. But remember how adorable they used to be? It seems that no emotion arrives on its own once kids involved. It's all light and dark.
You love them more than anything in the world, you would throw yourself in front of a train to save them, and all you want is to not think about them so much.
If you are enjoying yourself, they are probably miserable, and vica versa. You don't want to watch Power Rangers and they do not want to go see the Cezanne exhitbit at MoMA.
The magaines and books get us ready for the diapers, baths, and the how-to of being the perfect working parent. What we should really be gearing up for are the contant ups-and-downs of life with a kid. Forget black and white...it's now a thousand shades of grey, and every color in the rainbow.
