Monday, January 30, 2012

Do I Believe in God?

I want to believe in God--I swear I do.

But wanting and actually believing are two completely different animals. 

I believe in fits and starts.  I go through phases where I pray and promise everything from the perfect prayer life to never using the Lord's name in vain if the turbulence in the plane would cease and we would land safely.  On the other side of the altar (coin), I condemn the entire notion of a god to worship, feeling it is a way to keep people submissive and genuflecting.

Then there is a third mindset that does not allow me to feel anything but contempt for a god that would allow his only son's death, even if it was for the salvation of an eternity of souls.  He's the ruler of everything!  For #$% sake's he could have thought of another way.

Many times I don't like him very much--or the idea of him...or her.  Maybe it was a lack of proper Sunday schooling, but I was always taught that prayer could help just about anything.  I have never found that to be the case.  (Although my plane rides HAVE all ended safely...)

God allows or disallows all things.  Why, why, why would he allow hunger, war, disease, murder, or any number of other pains and tribulations?

I am supposed to swear my love and faith to an entity that responds with resounding silences to my conversations and beseechings.

My questions are nothing new--but they never leave me.

I read the Screwtape Letters--sometimes a few times in a year--hoping to glean a shining new grain of faith from Christian scholar C. S. Lewis.  I feel energized and renewed--for a day or two.

http://www.amazon.com/Screwtape-Letters-C-S-Lewis/dp/0060652934

I want a sign.  A glowing and shining light with a voice in my head--or out loud--telling me that indeed this is truly GOD.

I will probably keep doubting and waiting.  And hoping.
Day 57 from 100 Unfortunate Days

Every single basement has a dark corner or room no one likes. Maybe the whole basement is dark and scary. Spirits collect in dark and cluttered spaces. They hide and wait for you because they are stuck. Some people can see them. Some people see the long thin black wispy figures with arms ten feet long that unfold as they slowly reach for you in the dark because you have to go down there to get something or fix a light bulb or retrieve a screwdriver. Part of you revs up and moves really quickly to get out of there because you know if you wait long enough and the arms fully unfold, they can touch you and then part of you belongs in the black corner in the basement. Then it will be very hard to be normal again. You will wake up in the middle of the night, and you won’t be able to get back to sleep because you will worry about all the things you have done wrong and how you are hurting people. You can’t get this out of your mind now and you think that maybe if you count and envision each number in your head as you say it in your mind; you can block some of the bad thoughts. Or maybe you can pray—say the Lord’s Prayer over and over and over and God will surely be there to help you because you are saying his prayer. But it doesn’t help. God doesn’t give a fuck when you are miserable—he doesn’t care if you pray. You can pray until there is blood dripping out of your mouth and nothing will change. God is an asshole that way. Even a relatively rotten person will assist you if you are begging for help. But your thoughts will just revolve through your mind over and over until you want to take a gun like the lead in Fight Club and shoot them out of your head. Maybe someday you will, but for now, you are trying to figure why God is such a jerk-off and you have to live like this. You wonder why you feel forsaken—well it’s probably because you have been forsaken and you don’t know how to live in that state. Because when you are a kid somebody probably told you everything would be all right, and now you realize they lied. So you keep lying to yourself, telling yourself it’s not such a big deal, but actually it is. Because now the dark corners in your basement have started to get darker. And bigger. The arms get longer and longer and pretty soon there won’t be anywhere you can go where they can’t touch you. So you start to drink or take pills or do some other kind of drug so you can’t tell when you get touched. But now the problem is you get touched all the time, but you don’t know it. At least now you don’t care.

18 comments:

  1. God is the most powerful in the universe. I believe in him in all ways. every single moment of our life has a purpose that God only knows.

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    1. I wish I knew just a bit.
      And I wish I felt this way--I envy you. That is a very peaceful way to feel --you are lucky :)

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  2. I need to get this book. Every snippet I've read has intrigued me. Was it difficult to write such a painfully honest main character who sees such darkness? As a writer, first person is psychically unnerving. It can be uncomfortable as a reader, but that's just the writer doing her job (and yay for that!). If you have a post on how you manage being inside - really inside - a first person character who is not all sugar and light, I'd love to read it.

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    1. I hope you like it!
      It is very dark. I wrote it only when I could--forget the NaNo type of deal...only when I was in a very specific state of mind. Although I don't have a post like that--I would love to talk to you about it one day :)
      And thanks.

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  3. To question is good. If you do not you will never realize that there are other possible truths.

    It's to simple to follow, it is harder to question and see what lies beyond what one book/religion says.

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    1. I agree.
      Thanks for the email.
      It seems especially hard to question when the potential repercussions are so hellishly serious :)

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  4. My friend, there are a great many ways that I could attempt to answer this post. I know He's there and true and that I fail Him more often than I don't. Instead of trying to convince you and answer every question, all I can think to do is reach out my hand and take yours in friendship. Somewhere in that action He's answering. You and me both.
    Have a great week.

    -Jimmy

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    1. This touched me so much.
      I can sincerely say this convinced me more than any proof or biblical passage ever has or probably ever could.
      Thank you so much--this meant a lot :)

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  5. I found The Screwtape Letters painful, in a way. Very hard for me to slog through such confidence in evil. I've found some of Lewis' other works inspiring; Till We Have Faces is the first that comes to mind, though that proved painful in a different way.

    I'm with you on the simultaneous questioning/wanting of faith. I hate the platitude that folks "have" to suffer to appreciate the good stuff, and as it regards matters of faith, I hate it more. This "long dark night of the soul" business is le suck. But I appreciate Jimmy's comment, above - if we all just reached out to one another and held on, maybe we could all get through this life without becoming completely unhinged. Which, at bottom, is what He wants from us, after all - the great commandment, "Love as I have loved you."

    ::sighs:: "Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be so hard..."

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    1. Oooo--I never thought of it that way! COnfidence in evil--so so creepy yet true of the book. And the long dark night thing is over-rated. So I continue my search for meaning...
      ANd the love your enemies thing is hard for me too.

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  6. You know that little voice in your head that tells you what you just did/thought wasn't so great? That my friend to me is GOD...that loving kind spirit that lives in each and every one of us..just that some of us have blocked out the voice...its there if you tun in get back to your "center" and listen to your "core" you will hear it.That voice will never mislead you as its always loving. The GOD of the bible who created a hell (well ,well right there... HELL a place of gnashing of teeth where one will feel the pain of being burned forever...) that was created by the God of the bible...right there you can know the truth , that isn't a very loving thing to create or do to people you say you know every hair on their heads...that my friend is not LOVE... To me that whole scary story is just away to instil fear into people and gain control...it worked and it also breeds hate and tons of judgement... This should be every ones motto and we would have world PEACE..and love..."Treat others the way you want to be treated"....

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    1. Well you know I think you are awesome--and it is so neat to hear you are able to hear that voice. You know--after these responses I really think I'm going to be listening for it a bit harder :)
      Fear and control--I pass.
      You rock.
      XOXOXOXOXXOXO

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  7. My main problem with the idea of a god is more scientific... if I think too hard about it, I am just baffled at the concept that some all-knowing creator lives outside of our own physics and controls the chaotic universe. But even if I could forget my own rationality, I don't want to; I agree with some of what you said and would rather not live in a world controlled by such a being. I prefer the idea that humans are their own entities, capable of good and evil and determining their own fate. In my eyes, this life is all we get, so we'd better make the most of it--rather than being a test to see who gets into the good afterlife.

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  8. A brave post indeed. For me, I don't know about a god, but I feel confident in something more than ourselves, or maybe just beyond the selves that most of us utilize every day just to get through another day.

    For me, the closest representation I've found of someone who spoke my version of the truth (or at least part of it) was "Conversations with God." Or as I've liked to call it, "The Workingman's God" (a little intentional play off the Grateful Dead).

    Really enjoying 100 Unfortunate Days. I'm just a few days before this one, actually. Reading it intermittently with about 5 other books. Something I'd never done before I got a Kindle.

    Paul D. Dail
    www.pauldail.com- A horror writer's not necessarily horrific blog

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    1. Thanks Paul.
      I tried to read Conversations a while ago, and niver finished--maybe I should try again.
      Also tried A Course in Miracles and just truly did not connect at ALL.
      And maybe I'd be more comfortable about God in general if he was depicted kind of like the Doo Dah Man... :)

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  9. I think that God loves you, thinks your beautiful, and wants you to know Him in a very deep way. When I gave my life to the Lord, I simply knew that nothing in this world was eternal. There was nothing I could grasp that could fill the inner longing and lack of peace. So I fell on my knees one night, outside of work near a pile of stones, and I just cried out out to him with earnest, i.e. I meant it. I said, Lord if you are real and if Jesus really died for my sins and defeated death, then I want you to come into my life and change me... because I cannot change myself. Please forgive me of my sin I give you my life and my heart. That moment I felt as if every pain and care in this world just fell off my shoulders and I began to laugh with joy. That was 30 years ago and to this day I know that the Lord is with me. If you will just pour out your heart to Him he will touch you too. One thing to remember is that He did all the work for you. You will never be able to change yourself into what He desires. You must let Him do it. My blog is http://truthinspires.blogspot.com read a few of my posts and drop me a note if you wan to know more. I can even send you a copy of my book if you will read it.
    God Bless

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    1. I would surely read your book--and I appreciate you reaching out and telling me what happened to you.
      I am going to go look at your blog :)
      Thanks :)

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    2. I am so glad. I have prayed for you. I'm glad you would like to read the book. I can send one to you if you provide an address. If you do not want to do that it can be purchased at many online retailers. I think B&N has the e-book for 7.99 and 9.99 at Amazon. The paperback and Hard copy are more expensive. If you would like the actual book you can email me at truthinspires@msn.com I will continue to pray for you. There is an event in the book of Acts where an Ethiopian is desiring to understand and know more about the Lord. God sees our hearts. He knows our thoughts and knows if we truly want to know him. This Ethiopian did, so God sent Philip to him and the rest is history. The day you were born He smiled and He just waits for us to seek Him with our whole heart. In our stubbornness, sometimes we have to realize through experience that nothing the world offers is satisfying before we pour our heart out to Him. But in His loving-kindness He waits. I am so thankful. God Bless!

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